Discontent with contentment or just feeling guilty?

It feels funny to have too much time. I feel sort of lazy. I think, I should go and look up dragonflies on the computer and see if I can find a good one to paint...I do for a while, then lose interest at the poor choices. I should cook something healthy and go for long walks to try and lose some of this extra weight...I put a pot roast on to cook, then eat a bowl of popcorn after deciding it's too cold to walk. I could go into town and get some groceries for the weekend when T. comes...I stop and visit Mrs. Oliver on the way, it gets late and the road looks too icy on the hills, so I turn around and head back to the comfort of the cabin . I know, I'll write my thank-you notes to the many precious people that I need to thank for Christmas gifts. I start typing them on the computer to be transferred later onto stationary, but I'm not sure if I've remembered everything because I've been gone since Christmas. Now what...I'll read...then I fall to sleep or catch myself just staring out the window at the creek passing by and watching the edge of the water freeze over.

Why do I feel so lazy? Why can't I just enjoy being content? I went outside and took a loaf of stale bread and old green beans into the woods to leave for the animals. Walking back, I looked around slowly, taking it all in. Wow, I love this place! But you're no good for anything if you just stay here and live off what Terr provided you with!, I tell myself. I work hard to keep this place and the Heath up!...I rebut...to myself. Then I smile, realizing that I am discontent even in my contentment.

I look up at the cabin and feel satisfied at the warmth that is radiating from it. It's freezing outside. I grab another armload of firewood and head for the chair beside a window in my tree house....I think I'll call Aunt Dot and talk for a while.

This is good. This is really, really good; and tonight I will go outside at 2:00 a.m. and look for the meteor shower that is supposed to take place before dawn. I'll let you know if I have any luck.

-Mimi